I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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