do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
