just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
