a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
