I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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