Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
