I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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