I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
