i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Randomize
