you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My liver just had a heart attack.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
