Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's never too late to be topless.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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