at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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