Only a mothe r could love this liver
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
this hospital has no fireball
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
