My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
