Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
