and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
