If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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