Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
