Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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