I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My bed smells like the plague
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
