i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
