I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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