just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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