420 ftw
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
