Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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