I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
