Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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