Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
