I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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