I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
