Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
