I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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