The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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