I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
