bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
