I want to make a zoo with you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
