You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
