I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
