If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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