if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
