Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
