omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Randomize
