either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
