I hate all girls vehemently.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
you never un-have a 4some
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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