my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
