Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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