Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize