My friends, they love my intelligence
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
