Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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