Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
