Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
