Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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