I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize