Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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