my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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