mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
