Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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