just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
