we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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