I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Randomize
